Today. A stream of consciousness.
Had a work meeting that went from Noon to 5. Then a work party that started at 6:30. I went home, had a bite to eat and got sleepy. Screw it. I will go late to the party. Wake at 7:15. I'm sad. Why, I ask myself? Not sure. I just feel down. Sadness leads to thoughts of life. Thoughts of unfinished projects. Thoughts of things I have to do at work. What does it all mean? Am I going to get fired for some late project? What would I do if I lost my job? What keeps me in this valley other then my financial investment? What are my friends up to? Do I really want to go to this "party" feeling down? Will it pull me out of my sadness or just make me think more about it? Screw it I won't go. No I have to. Even if I am feeling down I need to go and hope that it will cheer me up. No, I might bring others down, I won't go.
I go. I have a couple of beers, take a couple of pictures. There I have done my duty. I made the rounds I said hi and I played a quick game of "washers."
I come home. It is 8:30. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Why?
It is not a pointed why, it is a why "anything". Why here, why me, why my life, why do I feel this way?
Oh yeah, that is why. It is "because".
It is because I love this life in the mountains. Not the valley, and not the people but the views. I look at a ski lift and I love the fact that I can walk out my door to Beaver Creek.
It is because I had the courage to leave Minnesota. It is because I have the courage to go where people mock my accent and not only do I not mind it but I take pride in it. I may not be a hero but I have courage. I have the courage to go out and see the world.
It is because my life is filled with a low number of friends but those friends are so supportive and understanding. It is because my life has potential. Even in a period of my life that I feel should be on the "down slope" it has the feeling of a potential to take a drastic change either financially or emotionally. Compared to my parents, when they were at my age they had it all figured out. They were married and two kids ages 10 and 6. They knew where their life was and what they needed to do to secure the future of their children. I don't have that lighthouse. I am a ship on the shore and I have a sea of opportunities in front of me at the old age of thirty.
It is because I feel this way. I feel this way because of lost relationships and possible new ones. It is because I feel wind blowing on my face that comes from a coming emotional storm. My idyllic life of being an island has the potential to be swept away in a hurricane of feelings.
It is "why" that I feel down, it is "because" that I will emerge in to the sunlight.
Had a work meeting that went from Noon to 5. Then a work party that started at 6:30. I went home, had a bite to eat and got sleepy. Screw it. I will go late to the party. Wake at 7:15. I'm sad. Why, I ask myself? Not sure. I just feel down. Sadness leads to thoughts of life. Thoughts of unfinished projects. Thoughts of things I have to do at work. What does it all mean? Am I going to get fired for some late project? What would I do if I lost my job? What keeps me in this valley other then my financial investment? What are my friends up to? Do I really want to go to this "party" feeling down? Will it pull me out of my sadness or just make me think more about it? Screw it I won't go. No I have to. Even if I am feeling down I need to go and hope that it will cheer me up. No, I might bring others down, I won't go.
I go. I have a couple of beers, take a couple of pictures. There I have done my duty. I made the rounds I said hi and I played a quick game of "washers."
I come home. It is 8:30. I sit and stare at a blank screen. Why?
It is not a pointed why, it is a why "anything". Why here, why me, why my life, why do I feel this way?
Oh yeah, that is why. It is "because".
It is because I love this life in the mountains. Not the valley, and not the people but the views. I look at a ski lift and I love the fact that I can walk out my door to Beaver Creek.
It is because I had the courage to leave Minnesota. It is because I have the courage to go where people mock my accent and not only do I not mind it but I take pride in it. I may not be a hero but I have courage. I have the courage to go out and see the world.
It is because my life is filled with a low number of friends but those friends are so supportive and understanding. It is because my life has potential. Even in a period of my life that I feel should be on the "down slope" it has the feeling of a potential to take a drastic change either financially or emotionally. Compared to my parents, when they were at my age they had it all figured out. They were married and two kids ages 10 and 6. They knew where their life was and what they needed to do to secure the future of their children. I don't have that lighthouse. I am a ship on the shore and I have a sea of opportunities in front of me at the old age of thirty.
It is because I feel this way. I feel this way because of lost relationships and possible new ones. It is because I feel wind blowing on my face that comes from a coming emotional storm. My idyllic life of being an island has the potential to be swept away in a hurricane of feelings.
It is "why" that I feel down, it is "because" that I will emerge in to the sunlight.
Two possibilities for "why?"
1) Fuck It. That's why.
2) Because there isn't shit else to do.
Seems to work for me.
Posted by x156 | 8:31 PM